You are looking at the apple, aren’t you, staring at it with that specific, hollowed-out intensity that makes the fluorescent lights in the break room hum a little louder than they should, as if the electricity itself is holding its breath to see if I will speak first. I know you are looking at it because I can feel the weight of your gaze on the skin of the fruit, a physical pressure that has nothing to do with light and everything to do with the sudden, terrifying realization that I have been holding this piece of fruit, this small, red, perfect sphere of rot and sugar, for the last forty-five minutes without taking a single bite, and the reason I have not bitten into it is not because I am not hungry, nor is it because I am afraid of the seeds, but because I have finally understood, with the cold, clarifying shock of a winter morning, that the apple is not an apple at all, but a mirror, and I am looking into the abyss of my own making, and the abyss is looking back, and it is wearing my face, and it is smiling, and I am terrified not of the smile but of the fact that I recognize the exact curvature of the jaw, the specific shade of the eyes, the way the lips part just slightly before a lie is spoken, and I realize that I have been the one holding the mirror, and I have been the one reflecting the lie, and the apple is just the excuse, the prop, the alibi for the fact that I have been hiding in plain sight, in this very room, in this very chair, in this very body, for the last decade, waiting for someone to tell me that I am the monster, and you, my dear friend, my oldest companion, my fellow sufferer in this bureaucratic purgatory, you are the one who has finally said it, not with words, but with the silence, with the look, with the way you have stopped chewing your sandwich, with the way you have stopped pretending that the air in here is clean, with the way you have stopped pretending that we are not two ghosts haunting a living institution, and I want to throw the apple at your head, I want to smash it against the linoleum floor and let the juice stain the white tiles like a crime scene, I want to scream until my throat tears, I want to run out of here and into the rain, I want to disappear, but I cannot, because the door is locked, and the clock on the wall is stuck at 3:14, and the air is thick with the smell of ozone and decay, and the apple is still in my hand, and it is getting softer, it is getting warmer, it is becoming flesh, it is becoming me, and I am becoming it, and we are becoming one, and the one is dying, and the dying is beautiful, and the beauty is unbearable, and I am laughing, I am laughing because I am happy, I am happy because I am free, I am free because I am gone, I am gone because I was never here, I was never here because I am a ghost, I am a ghost because I am a lie, I am a lie because I am a mirror, I am a mirror because I am an apple, I am an apple because I am you, and you are me, and we are nothing, and nothing is everything, and everything is the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple, and the apple is in my hand, and my hand is in the air, and the air is in the room, and the room is in the building, and the building is in the city, and the city is in the world, and the world is in the void, and the void is in me, and I am in the void, and the void is in the apple,