The Distant Machine
The letter was found in the left pocket of her winter coat. The coat hung in the hallway closet, smelling of wool and damp earth. It had been there since Tuesday. Or perhaps Wednesday. Time in the house had grown thick, viscous. It clung to the skin. It coated the tongue. Margaret held the paper. Her fingers were cold. The paper was warm.
She read the first line. She read it again. The words did not change. They were simple. They were brutal. They were true.
*You are not enough. You were never enough.*
It was from him. It was from the man she loved. It was from the man who had built a life with her. It was from the man who was leaving. The ink was blue. It bled slightly at the edges. Like a bruise. Like a wound that would not close.
Margaret stood in the hallway. The light from the window was gray. It was late afternoon. The house was quiet. Too quiet. The silence had weight. It pressed against her eardrums. It vibrated in her chest. She felt the vibration in her ribs. It was a low hum. A mechanical drone. A distant machine.
She looked at the letter. She looked at the closet. She looked at her hands. Her hands were still. Her hands were her own. They were the only things that were still. Everything else was moving. Everything else was slipping away.
She thought of the morning. The coffee. The way he held the cup. The way he looked at the table. He did not look at her. He looked through her. He looked past her. Into the wall. Into the wood grain. Into the void.
She had asked him a question. A simple question. *Are you coming to dinner?* He had nodded. He had not spoken. His face was smooth. It was a mask. It was a perfect, porcelain mask. It reflected nothing. It absorbed everything.
She had smiled. She had smiled because she had to. She had smiled because the alternative was to scream. She had smiled because the smile was a weapon. She had smiled because the smile was a shield. It kept the cold out. It kept the truth in.
The letter was in her hand. The words were in her mind. They were a loop. They were a circle. They had no beginning. They had no end. They were a trap. They were a cage. They were a machine.
She sat on the floor. The floor was cold. The wood was hard. It bit into her legs. It bit into her spine. She leaned back against the door. The door was solid. The door was real. The door was not a lie. The door was not a mask.
She closed her eyes. She saw his face. She saw his eyes. They were dark. They were deep. They were empty. They were wells. They were pits. They were holes in the fabric of the world. She had looked into them. She had fallen in. She had fallen so far that she could not see the bottom. She could not see the top. She could not see the light.
She opened her eyes. The room was the same. The light was the same. The silence was the same. But she was different. She was smaller. She was lighter. She was a ghost. She was a shadow. She was a memory of a woman.
She picked up the letter. She tore it. The sound was sharp. It cut the air. It cut the silence. The pieces fell to the floor. White scraps. White bones. White ash.
She picked up a piece. She held it. It was soft. It was fragile. It was dead. She crumpled it. It made a crunch. It sounded like a bone breaking. It sounded like a heart stopping.
She threw the piece away. It landed on the carpet. It was gone. It was erased. It was forgotten.
She stood up. Her knees ached. Her back ached. Her soul ached. The pain was a dull throb. It was a constant beat. It was a rhythm. It was a song. It was a hymn. She knew the words. She had sung them before. She would sing them again.
She walked to the kitchen. The kitchen was clean. The counters were bare. The sink was dry. The stove was cold. The house was empty. The house was a shell. The house was a tomb.
She opened the cabinet. She took out a glass. The glass was clear. The glass was cold. She filled it with water. The water was clear. The water was cold. She drank. The water was cold. The water was bitter. The water was truth.
She put the glass down. She looked at the table. The table was set for two. The plates were white. The forks were silver. The knives were steel. The setting was a joke. The setting was a lie. The setting was a trap.
She looked at the chair. His chair. The chair was empty. The chair was a void. The chair was a grave. The chair was a witness.
She sat down. She sat in her chair. The chair was warm. The chair was soft. The chair was kind. The chair was a friend. The chair was a lover. The chair was a mother.
She leaned forward. She rested her elbows on the table. She rested her chin on her hands. She looked at the empty chair. She looked at the void. She looked at the grave. She looked at the witness.
She spoke. Her voice was small. Her voice was weak. Her voice was a whisper. It was a breath. It was a sigh. It was a prayer.
"I am here," she said.
The room did not answer. The air did not move. The dust did not settle. The silence remained. The silence was absolute. The silence was total. The silence was complete.
She spoke again. Her voice was stronger. Her voice was clearer. Her voice was a command. It was a declaration. It was a definition.
"I am Margaret," she said.
The room did not answer. The air did not move. The dust did not settle. The silence remained. But something had changed. The air was different. The light was different. The silence was different.
She stood up. She walked to the window. The window was closed. The window was locked. The window was a barrier. The window was a wall. The window was a mirror.
She looked out. The garden was dark. The trees were bare. The sky was gray. The world was cold. The world was hard. The world was real.
She looked at her reflection. The face in the glass was hers. The eyes in the glass were hers. The mouth in the glass was hers. The life in the glass was hers.
She touched the glass. Her finger left a mark. The mark was white. The mark was wet. The mark was real.
She wiped it away. The glass was clear. The glass was clean. The glass was empty.
She turned away from the window. She walked back to the table. She picked up the fork. The fork was cold. The fork was metal. The fork was sharp.
She put the fork down. She picked up the knife. The knife was cold. The knife was metal. The knife was sharp.
She put the knife down. She picked up the plate. The plate was white. The plate was ceramic. The plate was heavy.
She put the plate down. She picked up the glass. The glass was clear. The glass was cold. The glass was empty.
She put the glass down. She picked up the napkin. The napkin was white. The napkin was cloth. The napkin was soft.
She put the napkin down. She sat down. She waited. She waited for him. She waited for the truth. She waited for the end.
The clock on the wall ticked. Tick. Tick. Tick. The sound was loud. The sound was clear. The sound was final.
She closed her eyes. She breathed in. The air was cold. The air was sharp. The air was alive.
She breathed out. The air was warm. The air was soft. The air was dead.
She opened her eyes. The room was the same. The light was the same. The silence was the same. But she was not the same. She was not a ghost. She was not a shadow. She was not a memory.
She was a woman. She was a body. She was a mind. She was a will. She was a choice.
She stood up. She walked to the door. The door was heavy. The door was solid. The door was real.
She opened the door. The hallway was dark. The hallway was cold. The hallway was long.
She walked into the hallway. She walked toward the front door. She walked toward the light. She walked toward the world.
She did not look back. She did not look at the closet. She did not look at the letter. She did not look at the chair.
She opened the front door. The night air hit her face. It was cold. It was sharp. It was real.
She stepped out. She closed the door behind her. The lock clicked. The sound was final. The sound was complete. The sound was done.
She walked down the path. The path was long. The path was dark. The path was uncertain.
She walked. She walked. She walked.
The machine was silent. The machine was still. The machine was gone.
She was free.
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