The letter lies flat on the desk. It is heavy. The ink is still wet. I press my thumb against the paper. It does not bleed. I am alone in the room. The clock ticks. Tick. Tick. Tick. It sounds like a hammer. It sounds like a bone breaking. I look at my hands. They are steady. They have always been steady. They are the hands of a man who holds a rifle. They are the hands of a man who holds a child. They are the same hands. They are different hands. I do not know which pair is the lie.

My father sat here. He sat in this chair. He wrote to me. He told me about the war. He told me about the noise. He said the noise never stopped. He said it lived in the walls. He said it lived in the teeth. I believed him. I believed him then. I believe him now. The walls of this office are thin. I can hear the pipes. The water flows. It gurgles. It spits. It sounds like a throat clearing. It sounds like a scream held back. I am a sergeant. I am a son. I am a clerk. I am a ghost. The title on the door says Inspector. It says nothing about what I do. It says nothing about what I am.

I wrote the report. I wrote it carefully. I used the right words. I used the polite words. I described the incident. I described the boy. I did not use the boy’s name. I used the file number. I used the date. I used the time. I used the weapon. I used the distance. I used the angle. I used the force. I used the result. The result was death. The result was silence. The result was a hole in the side of a building. The result was a life gone. I wrote it down. I signed my name. I put the pen down. The pen is heavy. The pen is light. The pen is nothing.

My father died in a trench. He died in the mud. He died in the rain. He died in the dark. He did not die in an office. He did not die in a suit. He died with his boots on. He died with his rifle in his hands. He died looking forward. I look around. I look at the desk. I look at the chair. I look at the window. The window is closed. The glass is clean. The world outside is bright. The world outside is loud. The world outside is safe. I am inside. I am safe. I am dead.

I remember the day we buried him. I was young. I was small. I held his hand. His hand was cold. His hand was stiff. I pulled. I pulled hard. I wanted to wake him. I wanted to shake him. I wanted to make him open his eyes. I wanted to make him tell me the secret. I wanted to know if it was real. I wanted to know if the noise was real. I pulled. I pulled until my arms burned. I pulled until my breath stopped. I did not wake him. I let go. I let go of his hand. I let go of his body. I let go of his voice. I held on to the memory. I hold on to the memory now. It is a heavy thing. It is a stone. It is a brick. It is a wall.

The boy was not a thief. The boy was not a criminal. The boy was a child. He was running. He was scared. He was alone. He was like me. He was like my father. He was like the man in the mirror. I saw him in the mirror. I saw the fear in his eyes. I saw the life in his eyes. I saw the end in my hands. I raised the gun. I raised the gun. I raised the gun. I did not think. I did not hesitate. I did not care. I pulled the trigger. The gun kicked. The gun sang. The gun spoke. The boy fell. The boy did not rise. The boy did not speak. The boy did not bleed. The boy was still. The boy was gone. I stood there. I stood in the street. I stood in the rain. I stood in the noise. The noise was in my head. The noise was in my ears. The noise was in my teeth. The noise was in my blood.

I went to the office. I sat in the chair. I wrote the report. I signed the report. I filed the report. I left the office. I went home. I washed my hands. I scrubbed my hands. I scrubbed until the skin was red. I scrubbed until the skin was raw. I scrubbed until the skin was gone. I looked at my hands. They were clean. They were empty. They were mine. I put on my shirt. I put on my tie. I put on my coat. I looked in the mirror. The man in the mirror looked at me. The man in the mirror had my face. The man in the mirror had my eyes. The man in the mirror had my mouth. The man in the mirror did not speak. The man in the mirror did not move. The man in the mirror was still. The man in the mirror was dead. I looked away. I walked out. I walked to the street. I walked to the rain. I walked to the noise.

The days passed. The weeks passed. The months passed. I went to work. I came home. I ate. I slept. I woke. I went to work. I came home. I ate. I slept. I woke. The routine was a cage. The routine was a loop. The routine was a chain. The chain was heavy. The chain was cold. The chain was tight. It bit into my neck. It bit into my soul. It bit into my mind. I could not break it. I could not escape it. I could not breathe it. I could not live it. I could only survive it. I could only endure it. I could only exist it.

My father’s voice was in the wind. My father’s voice was in the rain. My father’s voice was in the pipes. My father’s voice was in the clock. My father’s voice was in the gun. My father’s voice was in the boy. My father’s voice was in me. It was a whisper. It was a shout. It was a command. It was a prayer. It said: You are one of us. It said: You are one of them. It said: You are the machine. It said: You are the gear. It said: You are the bullet. It said: You are the target. It said: You are the hole. It said: You are the silence. It said: You are the end.

I looked at the letter again. It was from my father. It was old. It was yellow. It was soft. It was fragile. It was alive. It was dead. I read it. I read it slowly. I read it word by word. I read it line by line. I read it soul by soul. It said: My son. It said: The war is over. It said: But the war is not over. It said: It lives in the quiet. It said: It lives in the stillness. It said: It lives in the mirror. It said: Look at yourself. It said: Be careful. It said: Do not look too long. It said: Do not see too much. It said: Do not feel too deep. It said: Do not love too hard. It said: Do not live too true. It said: Or you will break. It said: Or you will die. It said: Or you will become me.

I broke. I died. I became him. I am him. I am the man in the trench. I am the man in the office. I am the man in the mirror. I am the boy. I am the gun. I am the trigger. I am the bullet. I am the hole. I am the silence. I am the noise. I am the pain. I am the love. I am the hate. I am the fear. I am the hope. I am the truth. I am the lie. I am the end. I am the beginning. I am the circle. I am the loop. I am the chain. I am the cage. I am the key. I am the lock. I am the door. I am the wall. I am the window. I am the light. I am the dark. I am the rain. I am the sun. I am the wind. I am the stone. I am the water. I am the fire. I am the earth. I am the sky. I am the air. I am the breath. I am the life. I am the death.

I put the letter down. I stood up. I walked to the window. I opened the window. The air came in. The air was cold. The air was wet. The air was alive. The air was dead. I breathed it in. I breathed it out. I breathed it in. I breathed it out. I breathed it in. I breathed it out. The noise was in the air. The noise was in the wind. The noise was in the rain. The noise was in the street. The noise was in the city. The noise was in the world. The noise was in me. I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes. I looked at the street. The street was empty. The street was full. The street was quiet. The street was loud. The street was still. The street was moving. The street was waiting. The street was watching. The street was judging. The street was forgiving. The street was condemning. The street was loving. The street was hating. The street was alive. The street was dead. The street was me.

I walked out the door. I walked down the stairs. I walked out the gate. I walked into the street. I walked into the rain. I walked into the noise. I walked into the dark. I walked into the light. I walked into the world. I walked into the life. I walked into the death. I walked into the end. I walked into the beginning. I walked into the circle. I walked into the loop. I walked into the chain. I walked into the cage. I walked into the key. I walked into the lock. I walked into the door. I walked into the wall. I walked into the window. I walked into the light. I walked into the dark. I walked into the rain. I walked into the sun. I walked into the wind. I walked into the stone. I walked into the water. I walked into the fire. I walked into the earth. I walked into the sky. I walked into the air. I walked into the breath. I walked into the life. I walked into the death.

I am here. I am now. I am this. I am that. I am you. I am we. I am they. I am it. I am all. I am none. I am everything. I am nothing. I am the sound. I am the silence. I am the word. I am the space. I am the line. I am the curve. I am the shape. I am the form. I am the color. I am the shade. I am the light. I am the dark. I am the heat. I am the cold. I am the touch. I am the feel. I am the taste. I am the smell. I am the sight. I am the sound. I am the sense. I am the mind. I am the soul. I am the spirit. I am the body. I am the blood. I am the bone. I am the flesh. I am the skin. I am the eye. I am the ear. I am the nose. I am the mouth. I am the hand. I am the foot. I am the heart. I am the lung. I am the brain. I am the nerve. I am the muscle. I am the tendon. I am the ligament. I am the joint. I am the spine. I am the skull. I am the face. I am the hair. I am the nail. I am the tooth. I am the tongue. I am the lip. I am the chin. I am the cheek. I am the forehead. I am the brow. I am the temple. I am the ear. I am the neck. I am the shoulder. I am the arm. I am the elbow. I am the wrist. I am the finger. I am the thumb. I am the chest. I am the rib. I am the belly. I am the waist. I am the hip. I am the leg. I am the knee. I am the calf. I am the ankle. I am the heel. I am the sole. I am the toe. I am the body. I am the whole. I am the part. I am the piece. I am the fragment. I am the shard. I am the splinter. I am the chip. I am the crack. I am the break. I am the fall. I am the rise. I am the stand. I am the sit. I am the lie. I am the sleep. I am the wake. I am the dream. I am the nightmare. I am the reality. I am the illusion. I am the truth. I am the lie. I am the end. I am the beginning.