The Distant Nightmare
The bell rang. It was a dull, bronze sound that seemed to vibrate in my teeth. I stood in the center of the hall. The stone floor was cold. It bit into my boots. Around me, the air smelled of wet wool and old iron. I was the Captain. I wore the grey coat of the Order. My hands were steady. They had always been steady.
I looked at the man in the corner. He was small. His shoulders were hunched. He held a lantern. The light was low. It flickered.
"Captain," he said. His voice was thin. "The fire is out."
"No," I said. "It is not out. It is sleeping."
He looked at me. His eyes were wide. They were wet. "It is dead, sir. The wood is ash. The wind took the heat. We are freezing."
I did not blink. "The wind is a thief. But we do not trust thieves to keep our time. We wait."
"We have been waiting for three days," he said. "The children are crying. The old woman in the east wing has stopped breathing. I saw her. Her face was blue."
I turned away. I looked at the great window. Outside, the snow fell. It fell fast. It fell hard. It covered the world in white. It covered the past. It covered the names.
"Who is the old woman?" I asked.
"Elara," he said. "She was kind to us. She gave us soup when we were hungry. She sang to the babies."
I felt a tightness in my chest. It was small. It was quiet. I pushed it down. "Kindness is a luxury," I said. "Order is a necessity. The cold is a law. We must obey the law."
"Is the law cold?" he asked.
I looked at him. I wanted to strike him. I wanted to throw him into the dark. But I did not. I am a soldier. I do not act on impulse. I act on duty.
"The law is silent," I said. "It does not care if you are warm or cold. It only cares if you remain."
He lowered his head. He did not argue. He held the lantern lower. The light died. The room became dark. I could not see his face. I could not see the others. I could only hear the wind.
The wind was loud. It screamed. It howled. It sounded like a beast. It sounded like a man.
I walked to the door. I pushed it open. The cold hit me. It was a wall. It was a blade. It cut through my coat. It cut through my skin.
I stepped out. The snow was deep. It was up to my knees. It was white. It was endless.
I looked at the sky. There were no stars. There was only the grey. There was only the wind.
I thought of my brother. He was a priest. He believed in fire. He believed that fire was holy. He said that the cold was the devil. He said that we must fight the cold.
I did not believe him. I believed in the stone. I believed in the wall. I believed in the silence.
I walked back inside. I closed the door. I barred it. The wind could not get in. The cold could not get in.
I sat on the floor. I pulled my knees to my chest. I was still. I was quiet.
The man came back. He held a bowl. It was empty.
"There is no soup," he said. "The pot is cold. The water is ice."
I looked at the bowl. I looked at him.
"Give it to me," I said.
He put the bowl in my hands. It was heavy. It was cold.
I held it. I held it tight.
"Why do you do this?" he asked. "Why do you let us die?"
I did not answer. I looked at the bowl. I saw my reflection in the metal. It was distorted. It was strange.
I saw a monster. It had no eyes. It had no mouth. It was a shadow.
I dropped the bowl. It clattered on the stone.
"I am not letting you die," I said. "I am keeping you safe."
"Safe from what?" he asked. "From the cold? We are dying of the cold."
"From the fire," I said.
He laughed. It was a dry sound. It was a sad sound. "The fire is dead, Captain. There is no fire to fear."
I stood up. I felt dizzy. My head was spinning.
"The fire is not dead," I said. "It is in the walls. It is in the stone. It is in the blood. It will come back. It will burn us all."
"Who is you?" he asked. "Who are we?"
I looked at him. I looked at the other men. They were standing in the dark. They were silent. They were waiting.
"We are the keepers," I said. "We keep the peace. We keep the order. We do not let the chaos in."
"Chaos is just life," he said. "Life is messy. Life is warm. Life is loud."
"Life is death," I said. "Death is peace."
He stepped closer. He was not afraid. He was calm.
"You are wrong, Captain," he said. "You are so wrong. You have been wrong for a long time. You are not the keeper. You are the cage."
I wanted to deny it. I wanted to shout. But I could not. My voice was gone.
I looked at my hands. They were shaking. They were red. They were cracking.
I looked at the lantern. It was still on. The light was small. It was weak.
I reached for it. I took it. The glass was hot. It burned my hand. I did not let go.
I held the light up. I looked at the men. I looked at the walls. I looked at the door.
I saw the truth. It was simple. It was terrible.
The walls were not stone. They were ice. The floor was not stone. It was ice. The air was not air. It was breath.
We were inside a dream. A cold dream. A long dream.
And I was the monster. I was the cold. I was the silence.
I had locked the door. I had barred the wind. I had killed the fire. I had killed the soup. I had killed the singing.
I had killed Elara.
I dropped the lantern. It shattered. The light died. The dark was total.
I screamed. I could not hear it. It was swallowed.
I ran to the door. I pulled the bar. It would not move. It was frozen. It was solid.
I hit it. I hit it with my fist. I hit it with my head. I bled. The blood was warm. It was red. It was life.
I kept hitting it. I kept screaming.
The door cracked. A thin line of light appeared. It was gold. It was warm.
I fell back. I slid down the wall. I looked at the light. It was growing.
The ice was melting. The walls were turning to water. The water was turning to steam.
The steam was turning to light.
I felt my body changing. I felt my bones softening. I felt my skin thinning. I was becoming the light. I was becoming the fire.
I was becoming the thing I had feared.
I was becoming the thing I had loved.
The light filled the room. It filled my eyes. It filled my mouth.
I saw my brother. He was standing there. He was smiling. He was holding a torch. The flame was blue. It was bright.
"Welcome home," he said.
I opened my mouth. I wanted to speak. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to ask for forgiveness.
But I had no words. I had no voice.
I only had the light.
The light took me. It wrapped around me. It held me. It was warm. It was safe.
I was no longer the Captain. I was no longer the cold.
I was the fire.
And the fire did not judge. The fire only burned.
The fire only lived.
I let go. I let go of the door. I let go of the past. I let go of the name.
I became the warmth. I became the breath.
The wind stopped. The snow stopped. The silence stopped.
There was only the sound of the flame.
It was a soft sound. It was a sweet sound.
It was the sound of peace.
I closed my eyes. I opened my eyes.
The world was bright. The world was warm.
I was gone.
And that was good.
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