Membrane

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The first thing that changed was the research grant. Dr. Samir Hafeez had been applying for summer research funding for fifteen years and he had never once been denied, not a single time, which was a record that his department chair liked to mention at faculty meetings as evidence of the quality of the humanities division. The grant was modest — six thousand dollars, enough for a month in Istanbul tracing the influence of Rumi on twentieth-century Maghrebi poetry — and the application was strong. Samir knew it was strong because he had written it the same way he wrote everything: meticulously, with the kind of attention to detail that had earned him tenure at forty-two and the respect of colleagues who did not share his field or his background or anything else except a conviction that literature mattered. The denial letter arrived on a Tuesday in late September. It was polite. It mentioned budget constraints and competing priorities and the exceptional quality of this year's applicant pool. It was signed by a Dean Samir had known for a decade. Every sentence in the letter was true. Budgets were constrained. Priorities did compete. The pool was exceptional. Samir read the letter three times at his desk in the limestone building that housed the comparative literature department, the autumn light falling through the window in the particular golden way that Midwestern autumn light falls — generous, unhurried, the light of a place that has not yet learned to hurry — and he could not find a single thing in the letter to object to. That was the first thing that changed. There would be others.

The college town was called Northfield and it had been Samir's home since 1990. He had arrived as an assistant professor with a newly minted PhD from the University of Chicago and a conviction that the cornfields and the limestone and the long winters would be temporary, a way station on the route to somewhere more cosmopolitan. But the years had accumulated like snowdrifts, one on top of another, and somewhere around 1998 he had stopped thinking about leaving. His wife Fatima taught chemistry at the high school. Their daughter Ayesha played soccer on Saturday mornings with a team called the Northfield Thunder, a name that struck Samir as both inexplicable and perfect. Their son Zayd was in middle school and obsessed with basketball. They had a house on Elm Street with a porch and a swing and neighbours who brought zucchini bread in August when the gardens overflowed. They were, by any reasonable measure, part of the community. Samir had believed this so completely that he had never thought to examine it. September 11 changed that, but not in the way the news reports suggested. It was not that people became hostile. Hostility would have been easier. Hostility could be named and confronted. What happened instead was something much quieter, something that operated below the threshold of accusation, something that Samir would spend the following months trying to name and failing and trying again.

October brought the curriculum committee meeting. Professor Henderson, who had chaired the committee for eleven years, announced that the postcolonial literature survey course was being removed from the spring catalogue. It was a scheduling issue, he explained. The time slot conflicted with a new offering from the history department. Everyone around the table nodded. Samir nodded too, because the explanation was reasonable and Henderson was a reasonable man and the history department's new course on Cold War diplomatic history was exactly the kind of interdisciplinary initiative that the provost had been encouraging. It was only later, walking across the quad in the sharp October air, that Samir realised the postcolonial survey was the only course he had designed from scratch, the only course that was entirely his. He had been teaching it for twelve years. It always filled. The students wrote evaluations that used words like eye-opening and transformative and I never thought about it that way before. None of that mattered. The course was removed from the catalogue for scheduling reasons, and scheduling reasons were unarguable, and Samir walked across the quad and thought about the word postcolonial and what it meant to remove it from a catalogue and what it meant that no one else on the committee had seemed to notice.

November brought the faculty hiring committee, on which Samir had served for three years. The committee was reviewing candidates for a visiting professorship in twentieth-century poetry. One of the finalists was a Pakistani scholar from the University of Lahore whose work on Faiz Ahmed Faiz had been published by Oxford University Press. Samir read the dossier with the particular attention that comes from recognition — here was someone who had read the same poets, argued with the same critics, navigated the same intellectual currents. He prepared his notes. He arrived at the meeting. The discussion of the Pakistani candidate lasted four minutes. The objections were procedural: the degree was from a foreign institution, the letters of recommendation were from scholars the committee did not know personally, the teaching experience was primarily outside the American system. Every objection was reasonable. Every objection could be defended on academic grounds. Samir made his case — the publications, the Oxford press, the originality of the research — and the committee listened politely and then moved on to the next candidate, a Yale PhD whose dissertation on Wallace Stevens was, Samir privately thought, competent but unremarkable. The Yale candidate got the position. Samir walked home through the first snowfall of the season and thought about what it meant to be foreign and what it meant that foreignness had suddenly become a procedural concern, a thing that could be cited in a meeting and not feel like prejudice because it was not prejudice, it was procedure, and procedure was neutral, and neutrality was the whole point.

December brought the holiday party at the Dean's house. Samir and Fatima had attended every year since 1997. The Dean's house was a Victorian on Faculty Row with a porch that wrapped around three sides and a Christmas tree that touched the ceiling. Samir wore a blazer and Fatima wore a blue dress and a hijab that matched. They brought baklava, as they always did, because Fatima's baklava was famous in the department and people looked forward to it. This year, something was different. Nobody said anything. Nobody did anything. But Samir noticed that the conversations around them were slightly shorter than usual, that the circle of colleagues seemed to have a slightly smaller circumference, that the Dean's wife asked Fatima where she was from originally with an emphasis on the word originally that Samir had not heard before 2001. Fatima answered Michigan, which was true and not true in the way that questions with the word originally always made answers both true and not true. The Dean's wife smiled and said of course and moved on to the next guest. Samir watched her go and understood, with the clarity that comes from fifteen years of parsing literary texts, that he had just witnessed a micro-event, a unit of social meaning so small that it could not be called an incident but which accumulated over time into something unmistakable. He ate a piece of his wife's baklava and it tasted exactly the same as always.

January brought the traffic stop. Samir was driving home from the grocery store on a Tuesday evening, a bag of oranges on the passenger seat, NPR on the radio discussing the Homeland Security advisory level. A patrol car pulled him over on Maple Street, two blocks from his house. The officer was polite. He asked for license and registration. He asked where Samir was headed. He asked if the car was his. He asked these things in the tone of voice that officers use when they are doing their job, and Samir answered in the tone of voice that citizens use when they are trying to be helpful. The stop lasted eight minutes. No ticket was issued. The officer explained that the car matched the description of a vehicle involved in a reported incident and thanked Samir for his cooperation. Samir drove the remaining two blocks home and sat in the driveway with the engine running and the oranges on the passenger seat and thought about the word matched and the word description and the word incident. He thought about what it meant to be the only brown face in a town where brown faces were rare enough to be noticed and frequent enough to be considered. He turned off the engine and brought the oranges inside and did not mention the traffic stop to Fatima because there was nothing to mention, nothing had happened, the officer was polite, no ticket was issued, and this was exactly the problem.

February brought the neighbourhood watch meeting. Samir had never attended before — the meetings were held in the basement of the Methodist church on Elm Street and they had always seemed like the kind of civic activity that other people participated in, the people who had lived in Northfield for three generations and whose grandparents were buried in the cemetery on the hill. But this year a flyer had appeared on his door, and the flyer said ALL RESIDENTS WELCOME in capital letters, and Samir decided that attending was a way of demonstrating that he was exactly the kind of resident the flyer meant. He walked to the church in the February cold, the wind cutting across the cornfields that surrounded the town, and he found a seat in the second row. The meeting was about a recent spate of bicycle thefts near campus. The discussion was practical and neighbourly and Samir contributed a suggestion about better lighting near the bike racks that was received with polite nods. After the meeting, a woman named Linda who lived three doors down approached him. She was holding a clipboard. We are starting a phone tree for the block, she said, so we can alert each other if we see anything suspicious. Would you like to be included? Samir said yes, he would like to be included, he gave her his phone number, he walked home in the dark. The phone tree never called him. He knew this because he checked with Linda two weeks later, casually, the way you check on something that you assume is proceeding normally. She looked embarrassed and said there must have been a mix-up and promised to add him to the list. The phone tree never called him. He understood, eventually, that the phone tree was not designed to call him. He understood that the word suspicious meant something specific in the context of a Midwestern neighbourhood watch in February of 2005, and that the specific thing it meant was not bicycle thieves.

March brought the department meeting where the travel budget for the annual MLA conference was discussed. Samir had presented at MLA every year since 1992. His paper on this year's panel had already been accepted — a comparative reading of Ghalib and Whitman that he had been working on for two years. The department chair announced that travel funds were limited and that priority would be given to junior faculty who needed the exposure for their tenure files. Samir was not junior faculty. He had tenure. He did not need exposure. Every word of the announcement was true and reasonable and defensible, and Samir sat in the meeting and understood that he was being excluded from an opportunity he had earned by a logic that was perfectly sound and completely unrelated to the actual reason for his exclusion. He understood that the actual reason could never be stated and could never be proven and would never appear in any meeting minutes or any grievance filing or any record of any kind. He understood that this was the genius of the system.

April brought the fourth consecutive committee meeting from which Samir's contributions were acknowledged with the particular quality of silence that means we have heard you and we will now proceed as if you had not spoken. He had noticed this before, had noticed it for months, but April was the month when he stopped pretending not to notice. He began keeping a tally in a small notebook that he carried in his jacket pocket. In April he spoke twenty-three times in faculty meetings. His suggestions were adopted three times. The other twenty times, his suggestions were met with a moment of silence, a nod from the chair, and a continuation of the discussion along the lines it had been following before he spoke. He checked the minutes of the meetings afterwards. His suggestions were recorded. They had not been ignored. They had been heard and processed and filed in the category of things that had been heard and processed and would have no effect on anything.

May brought the end of the academic year and the realisation that had been accumulating like snowdrift all year, one micro-event on top of another, each one too small to name, each one defensible if challenged, each one reasonable in isolation, but together forming a pattern that was unmistakable to anyone who had been paying attention. Samir had been paying attention. He was a scholar of comparative literature. He had spent his career studying how meaning accumulated across texts, how individual words combined into sentences and sentences into arguments and arguments into a shape that could not be seen from inside any single word. He understood that the pattern was the point. He understood that the pattern was the weapon.

He sat on his porch on Elm Street on a warm evening in late May, the fireflies beginning to appear in the yard, the sound of children playing somewhere down the block, and he thought about leaving. It was not a dramatic thought. It was not a thought of escape or flight or persecution. It was a practical thought, the kind of thought a person has when they have lived in a place for fifteen years and discovered that the place no longer wants them and will never say so and will never provide evidence that could be used in a complaint or a lawsuit or a grievance or any formal process of any kind. The place did not want him and the place would never say so, and this fact was both the problem and the proof of the problem.

He also thought about staying. Staying was also a practical thought. Staying meant continuing to teach, continuing to publish, continuing to attend meetings and offer suggestions and watch them be acknowledged and set aside. Staying meant being a membrane that the community's immune system had identified as foreign and would continue to surround with antibodies until the membrane could no longer function. Staying meant fighting an enemy that had no name and no face and no headquarters and no strategy except the gradual, polite, inexorable application of exclusion. He did not know if he could stay. He did not know if he could leave. He knew that he would have to decide, and that the decision would not be about principle or justice or anything that could be turned into a statement or a speech or an article in the faculty newsletter. The decision would be about whether the accumulation of micro-events had reached a threshold that made staying impossible, and about whether that threshold had already been crossed without his noticing. That was the thing about micro-events. They accumulated. And by the time you noticed the accumulation, it was often too late to do anything about it except name it and walk away.


Based on the pending patent application document (202610351844.3), creationstamp.com has calculated the tensor feature encoding of this article:

OTMES-v2-UNKNOWN

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