The Soft Expulsion
The first thing Amir Hassan noticed was the absence of the Carters' Subaru in the driveway next door. Not because it was unusual — the Carters came and went at all hours — but because it was Saturday morning, and for fourteen years, Saturday morning had meant Tom Carter standing in their shared driveway with a rake or a hose or nothing at all, waiting to catch Amir's eye and say something about the weather or the football or the new coffee shop on Main Street that everyone was pretending to like. The Subaru was gone. The driveway was empty. Amir stood at his kitchen window with his tea cooling in his hand and told himself there were a thousand reasons Tom Carter might not be home on a Saturday. None of them had anything to do with him.
He believed it. That was the thing about Amir Hassan — he believed in the thousand reasons. He was fifty-three years old and he had lived in Elmwood, this small Midwestern college town nestled between cornfields and conviction, for fifteen years. He was a full professor of cell biology at the university, a naturalized citizen who had arrived from Lahore in 1983 with a student visa and an accent that had softened over two decades into something almost Midwestern, a man who paid his property taxes and served on the Faculty Senate Budget Committee and brought spinach dip to the annual block party because his wife Fareeha had found the recipe in a magazine and it was, objectively, the best spinach dip anyone in the neighborhood had ever tasted. He believed in the thousand reasons because he had built his life on the proposition that reasonable explanations existed and that reasonable people would find them.
The second thing he noticed was the rain gutter. It was sagging from the corner of the roof above the garage, pulling away from the fascia board, and it had been sagging for three weeks. In any of the previous fourteen years, Amir would have climbed a ladder on a Sunday afternoon and fixed it himself, or Tom Carter would have offered to help, or Amir would have called the handyman whose number everyone on the block kept magneted to their refrigerators. This year, the gutter sagged. No one mentioned it. Amir did not climb the ladder. He was not sure why he did not climb the ladder, except that something in him had begun to wait for permission he had never needed before.
The lecture — the one that everyone would later refer to as the beginning of something, though no one could say exactly what — had happened in late February. Amir had been invited to deliver the annual Founders' Day address, a tradition that rotated among the senior faculty and was considered an honor. He had spoken about the intersection of evolutionary biology and human consciousness, a topic he had been developing for years, one that bridged his scientific work and his private conviction that the material world could not fully account for love or grief or the feeling of standing in a field at dusk and sensing, however irrationally, that you were not alone. He had not mentioned Islam. He had not mentioned religion at all. He had talked about Darwin and the limits of natural selection and the mystery of altruism, and he had closed with a line from Rumi — the thirteenth-century Persian poet — about the heart being a thousand-stringed instrument that could only be tuned with love.
Three days later, the campus newspaper ran an editorial titled "Faith in the Classroom." It did not name Amir. It asked whether professors with "strong religious convictions" could teach science objectively. The editorial board was composed of undergraduates, earnest and serious, and they had written the piece after a student in one of Amir's introductory courses had complained that his lecture on cellular reproduction had made her "uncomfortable." The complaint, Amir learned from his department chair in a meeting that was described as "just a conversation, nothing formal," had been that Professor Hassan had referenced the complexity of cellular machinery in a way that "implied intelligent design." Amir had done no such thing. He had, in fact, spent the first fifteen minutes of that lecture explicitly disclaiming intelligent design as unscientific. But the student had felt uncomfortable. And at Elmwood, in 2005, student discomfort was a currency that no one wanted to be seen refusing to accept.
The department chair, a man named Gerald Whitfield who had hired Amir fifteen years earlier and had wept at Amir's citizenship ceremony, sat across his desk and said, with genuine sympathy, "You understand this isn't coming from me. You understand that, right?"
"I understand," Amir said.
"It's just — the climate, Amir. Post-9/11, the PATRIOT Act requirements, the new campus compliance protocols. The FBI called. Just routine, they said. A background check on a former student of yours, some visa question. They asked if I thought you were a security risk. I told them absolutely not. I told them you were one of the finest faculty members I had ever worked with."
"Thank you," Amir said.
"But I worry," Gerald said, and here he removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose with the particular exhaustion of a man who had been chair of a biology department for too long, "that there's a pattern. Not a pattern of anything you've done. A pattern of how people respond to you. And I'm not saying it's fair. I'm saying I don't know how to protect you from it."
Amir walked home that afternoon through the Elmwood campus, past the limestone buildings and the old oaks and the bronze statue of the university's founder that students rubbed for luck before exams. It was March, and the snow had melted into gray slush, and the sky was the color of an old nickel. He passed a student group tabling for a campus debate on the Iraq War — "RESOLVED: Preemptive Intervention Is Incompatible With Democratic Values" — and a young man with a ponytail and a clipboard caught his eye and looked away. Amir did not know the young man. He could not prove the young man had looked away because of anything other than a failure to recognize a professor from a department the young man had never taken a class in. He told himself this, and he believed it, mostly.
The block party invitation arrived by email in early May. It was the same evite that had gone out every year since 1998, the year the Elmira Street Neighborhood Association had formed. But this year's version had a new line, inserted into the standard boilerplate about bringing a dish to share: "In the spirit of keeping our gathering relaxed and neighborly, we kindly ask that discussion of politics, religion, and current events be kept to a minimum so everyone can enjoy the afternoon." There was nothing wrong with this sentence. It was good etiquette. It was considerate. It was the kind of request that made perfect sense in a diverse neighborhood where people might reasonably disagree about the war in Iraq or the PATRIOT Act or the upcoming Supreme Court vacancy. And yet Amir read it three times and each time he heard, beneath the courtesy, something that sounded like the closing of a door.
He asked Fareeha what she thought. She was grading papers at the kitchen table — she taught anthropology at the same university, an associate professor whose tenure case had been mysteriously delayed twice — and she looked up with the weary expression of a woman who had been having versions of this conversation for four years.
"I think," she said, "that the spinach dip is still excellent. And I think we should go. And I think if we don't go, they'll say we isolated ourselves."
So they went. And the spinach dip was excellent. And the conversations were light and neighborly and carefully steered away from anything that might cause discomfort. Amir stood by the grill with a paper plate and listened to Tom Carter talk about the Detroit Tigers and the new recycling program and whether the city council should approve the new zoning variance for the strip mall on Route 47, and Tom Carter was friendly and warm and never once mentioned the rain gutter, and Amir realized halfway through a discussion of designated hitter statistics that he and Tom Carter had not had a conversation that was not about baseball or recycling or zoning in more than six months.
In July, the department voted to restructure. It was called a strategic realignment, and it merged three research clusters into two, and it eliminated the position of director of undergraduate curriculum, which Amir had held for eight years. The position was not eliminated because of anything Amir had done. The restructuring made good fiscal sense. The dean had been pushing for interdepartmental collaboration, and merging the clusters freed up a line for a new joint appointment with the School of Medicine, which was where the real research money was, which was what kept the lights on. Amir was not fired. He was not demoted. His salary did not change. He simply no longer directed the undergraduate curriculum. A younger professor — a woman named Rebecca Strauss who had been at Elmwood for three years and had recently published a well-received paper in Nature — took over the role. Rebecca was competent and well-liked. No one could fault the decision.
It occurred to Amir, walking home that evening through the summer haze, that he now had fewer colleagues who spoke to him about anything substantive than he had had a year ago. It was not a firing. It was not a censure. It was a redistribution of light, the way a plant at the edge of a garden gradually gets shaded by taller growth and finds itself, without ever having moved, no longer in the sun.
His daughter, Samira, was sixteen. She came home from school one afternoon in September and announced that she was changing her name. She wanted to go by Samantha. She had, she explained, been introducing herself as Samantha for two weeks already, and it was easier, and people remembered it, and it didn't lead to questions about where she was from. She was from Elmwood. She had lived in Elmwood her entire life. But when she said her name was Samira, people asked where she was really from, and she was tired of answering. Fareeha was quiet for a long time. Amir said, "Samantha is a perfectly fine name." He did not say what he was thinking: that every name they gave away was one more piece of the thousand-stringed instrument that they would never get back.
The MySpace profile was what finally crystallized it — not because it was dramatic, but because it was not. Amir had not known his son, Zayn, had a MySpace profile. He discovered it by accident, opening the family computer in the den to check his email and finding himself at a page full of glittering graphics and a list of Zayn's top eight friends. The top eight did not include a single name Amir recognized from the neighborhood or the mosque or the Pakistani-American community association. They were all white kids with names like Kyle and Jenna and Derek. Amir stared at the screen for a long time. He did not know whether this meant Zayn was fitting in or erasing himself, and he realized he could not tell the difference anymore.
In November, Amir received a letter from the provost's office informing him that his course on Evolutionary Theory and Human Nature, which had been one of the most popular electives in the biology department for twelve years, had been canceled due to low enrollment. The cut-off was twelve students. Ten had registered. The letter was polite and procedural and included a form he could fill out to request reinstatement, and Amir filled it out, and it was denied, and every step of this process followed the correct procedures and violated no policies and was, in every measurable sense, fair.
Amir sat at his kitchen window on a gray November morning, his tea cooling in his hands, and looked at the sagging rain gutter and the empty driveway next door. He thought about Tom Carter, who had once helped him carry a couch up two flights of stairs. He thought about Gerald Whitfield, who had wept at his citizenship ceremony. He thought about the student who had felt uncomfortable in his classroom, and he found that he did not blame her. She was young. She was learning. She had been taught to trust her discomfort as a form of truth, and she had trusted it, and she was not wrong to do so because no one had taught her that discomfort could also be a form of error.
He thought about love, the thing he had spent his career trying to understand — not as a scientist, precisely, but as a human being who happened to be a scientist. He had always believed that love was what made humanity worth preserving, that the capacity to feel deeply for others was the one thing the universe had not yet produced anywhere else. And he had built a life in this town on the premise that love, expressed consistently and patiently, would be recognized and returned. He had not been wrong about this premise. He had simply underestimated how long it took for love to dissolve in a solution of reasonable people making reasonable decisions that were, individually, impossible to fault.
He did not leave Elmwood. That was what surprised him most — that when the moment came to decide whether to apply for positions elsewhere, to send his CV to the coastal universities that had expressed interest over the years, to pack up the house with the sagging gutter and the kitchen table where Fareeha graded papers and the den where Zayn curated his top eight friends, he could not do it. He loved this town. He loved the limestone buildings and the old oaks and the bronze statue and the Saturday mornings that had once meant Tom Carter standing in the driveway. He loved it even as it was gently, politely, reasonably pushing him out. And that, he realized, was what made the whole thing unbearable — not the exclusion, but the love that persisted despite it, the love that had nowhere left to go.
One evening in December, the first snow falling on Elmira Street, Amir walked to the hardware store and bought a ladder and a new aluminum gutter and a box of screws. He did not ask anyone for help. He did not wait for permission. He set up the ladder in the freezing dark and he replaced the sagging gutter himself, his fingers numb, his breath smoking in the porch light, while the Carter house remained dark and silent next door. He did not know what it meant — this small act of repair, this stubborn insistence on maintenance — but he knew it was the only response he had left. If the neighborhood was going to expel him, let it expel a house whose gutters were straight and true. Let the next owner find a home that had been loved properly, right up to the end.
When he climbed down from the ladder, Fareeha was standing in the doorway with her coat pulled around her shoulders. She did not say anything. She did not need to. She had been watching him from the kitchen window, and she understood, because she was also a thousand-stringed instrument, and she was also being tuned by forces she could not name. They stood together in the falling snow, two people who had given three decades to a country and twelve years to a neighborhood and had asked only to be allowed to continue giving, and they watched the new gutter hold steady against the roof, and neither of them said what they both knew: that the house had never been the problem, and that the repair had never been about the gutter, and that love, in the end, was the only thing you could give that no one could take away, even when they took everything else.
Based on the pending patent application document (202610351844.3), creationstamp.com has calculated the tensor feature encoding of this article:
OTMES-v2-UNKNOWN
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