The Slow Wall
Dr. Samir Al-Hashimi had been teaching cellular biology at Northfield College for eleven years when the towers fell, and for four years after that he had believed — truly believed — that nothing had changed. He was wrong, of course, but the wrongness was of a particular kind: not the wrongness of a man who denies reality, but the wrongness of a man who studies immune systems and therefore knows that rejection does not announce itself. It accumulates. It is a process, not an event.
The first thing Samir noticed, or rather the first thing he later understood he should have noticed, was the pause. It happened in September of 2005, a Tuesday afternoon, in the faculty lounge on the third floor of McKittrick Hall. He had walked in carrying his laptop bag and a thermos of cardamom tea — the thermos his wife Mariam had given him, brushed steel with a small dent near the base — and for perhaps half a second, perhaps less, the conversation in the room had simply stopped. Not dramatically. Not with the clatter of dropped sentences. Just a soft rest, the way a piece of music breathes between movements.
Then Margaret Chen from the chemistry department had smiled and said, "Samir, we were just talking about the new grant guidelines. Come, sit."
And he had sat. And they had talked. And he had not thought about the pause at all, not that day and not for many days afterward, because a pause is not evidence. A pause is not a thing you can point to. A pause is a space where something used to be.
In October, two of his graduate students dropped his seminar. Lisa Bowman sent an email citing "scheduling conflicts," which was plausible because Lisa was a third-year with a heavy teaching load. Peter Gunderson simply stopped coming. After the third missed session, Samir sent a polite inquiry and received no reply. He mentioned it to the department chair, Alan Forsythe, over coffee. Alan nodded sympathetically. "Enrollment's down across the board," he said. "It's the economy. Students are taking fewer electives."
Samir nodded. The economy. Of course.
In November, the college instituted a new security protocol requiring all faculty to present identification when entering laboratory buildings after six in the evening. The memo was sent department-wide, phrased in the neutral language of administrative necessity. Samir read it and thought nothing of it until the third time the night guard — a young man named Derek whose name Samir had known for two years — asked to see his faculty ID, and Samir noticed that Derek did not ask Margaret Chen, who walked in just behind him, for hers. Samir turned back at the door and said, "Derek, you've known me for two years." Derek's face reddened slightly. "New protocol, Professor. I'm just doing my job." Samir stood there for a moment, the November wind cutting through his jacket, and then he nodded and walked inside. What else could he do? Derek was polite. The protocol was real. The violation was invisible.
He began to notice the pattern in the small things. The way colleagues who had once dropped by his office for informal chats now sent emails instead. The way his name appeared less frequently on the cc lists for committee discussions. The way the department holiday party invitation arrived a day later than Mariam's friends reported receiving theirs, as though someone had paused before pressing send, checked the list, hesitated, and then pressed send anyway. These were not actions. These were hesitations. And hesitations are not evidence.
The immune system, Samir had taught his students for fifteen years, does not recognize enemies. It recognizes self. Everything in the body carries a molecular signature — the major histocompatibility complex, the MHC — that says I belong here. When a cell or a particle lacks that signature, the immune system does not hate it. It does not attack it with passion or fury. It simply walls it off. It surrounds it with lymphocytes. It builds a barrier of dead cells and fibrous tissue, a granuloma, a slow wall. And the foreign body, sealed inside, slowly starves. No violence. No malice. Just the patient, methodical work of exclusion.
By December, Samir had begun to feel the wall.
The December faculty senate meeting was held in the old chapel, a converted nineteenth-century stone building with narrow windows and a heating system that wheezed. Samir arrived early and took a seat near the center aisle. As other faculty filed in, he noticed something he had never noticed before: the seats immediately to his left and right remained empty. People filled the row behind him, the row in front. But on either side, a buffer of empty chairs. He sat very still and watched this happen, and his heart did something complicated in his chest, something that was not quite pain and not quite anger and not quite surprise. It was recognition.
He thought of Mariam at home, grading her own students' papers at the kitchen table, and he thought of his daughter Layla, nine years old, who had come home from school two weeks earlier and asked, "Baba, why did Michael say you don't belong here?" He had told her that Michael was confused, that of course they belonged here, that this was their country. But sitting in the cold chapel with empty chairs on either side of him, he understood that Michael was not confused. Michael was nine, and nine-year-olds do not invent ideas; they repeat them. Someone had told Michael that Samir did not belong, and Michael had passed it on to Layla, and the virus of exclusion was replicating, as viruses do, quietly and efficiently and without malice.
The meeting proceeded. Motions were seconded. Hands were raised. Samir voted on a curriculum revision and a budget allocation and a proposal to rename the student center. No one looked at him. No one failed to look at him either. He was present and absent at the same time.
In January of 2006, the search committee for the new dean of sciences was announced. Samir had served on the previous three search committees. His name was not on the list. He called Alan Forsythe's office and asked, in the most casual voice he could manage, whether there had been a mistake. Alan's secretary put him on hold for four minutes, which was three minutes longer than usual, and when Alan came on the line he said, "Samir, we decided to rotate membership this cycle. Give some of the junior faculty a chance. You understand."
Samir understood. He understood that rotation was a word that could mean anything. He understood that he had been rotated out, or rotated aside, or simply rotated away. He understood that Alan Forsythe had been his friend for eight years and that friendship, like everything else, could be eroded by a thousand small tides.
The spring semester brought the incident with the laboratory equipment. Samir's lab had been scheduled for a hazardous materials inspection, which was routine, except that the inspection was rescheduled three times and each rescheduling involved a different reason — a clerical error, a conflicting inspection in the physics building, a miscommunication with the safety office — and each time Samir had to shut down his experiments and move his samples and lose days of work. When he finally confronted the safety officer, a tired-looking man named Kowalski who had been doing this job for two decades, Kowalski shrugged and said, "I just follow the list they give me, Professor. Your lab keeps coming up flagged for re-inspection. I don't know why."
Samir went home that night and sat in the dark living room while Mariam and Layla slept upstairs. He tried to assemble the evidence. The pause in the faculty lounge. The graduate students who didn't answer emails. The security guard who checked his ID but not Margaret Chen's. The holiday party invitation that arrived late. The empty chairs. The search committee. The lab inspections. Each thing by itself was nothing. Each thing by itself was reasonable, explicable, deniable. A pause is not evidence. A rotation is not discrimination. A late invitation is not a conspiracy.
But the immune system, Samir thought in the dark, does not work by conspiracy. It works by consensus. The body does not hold a meeting and vote to reject the foreign cell. It simply does it, cell by cell, signal by signal, a million small recognitions that add up to one large exclusion. And he understood, sitting there with the streetlight casting long shadows through the window, that this was what was happening to him. Not hate. Not violence. Not even dislike, exactly. Just the slow, quiet, methodical process of a community deciding that he carried a molecular signature that did not say I belong here.
In March, Layla came home with a bruise on her arm. A boy on the playground had pushed her and called her a name that Samir did not want to think about. The school called it an "incident of rough play" and promised to "monitor the situation." Samir sat on Layla's bed that night and held her while she cried, and he realized that the wall was not just around him anymore. It was growing around his daughter too.
And still, Samir did the thing that cells do when they are walled off. He went to work. He taught his classes to the students who still came. He published his papers, though the invitations to present at conferences had grown noticeably thinner. He smiled at his colleagues in the hallway, and they smiled back, and everyone was very, very polite. Politeness, he had come to understand, was not the opposite of exclusion. Politeness was the lubricant that made exclusion run smoothly.
In April, the college announced a new interdisciplinary initiative in bioethics, funded by a major grant. Samir had been the obvious choice to lead it — his work on the ethics of genetic modification had been cited in congressional testimony — but the leadership went to a younger white colleague from the philosophy department who had published one book, six years ago, on a tangentially related topic. When Samir asked Alan about it, Alan said, "The grant committee felt that a fresh perspective would be valuable," and Samir heard the committee felt, the passive voice, the disappearance of agency, the way the immune system works without anyone having to take responsibility for it.
He walked home that evening through the college town's quiet streets, past the coffee shops and the used bookstores and the old brick houses with their porch lights coming on one by one. A neighbor waved from across the street — Mrs. Hollander, whose cat Samir had once helped rescue from a tree — and Samir waved back, and neither of them stopped walking, and neither of them spoke. They were very polite neighbors. They always had been.
That night, Mariam found him sitting at the kitchen table at two in the morning, staring at a blank sheet of paper. She sat down across from him and waited. Mariam was a mathematician, and she understood that some problems required silence before they could be solved.
"They're not doing anything," Samir said finally. "That's the thing. Nobody is doing anything. If someone called me a name, I could file a complaint. If someone denied me a promotion explicitly, I could sue. But nobody is doing anything. They're just... not doing things. Not inviting me. Not including me. Not seeing me. And I can't prove it, Mariam. I can't prove a negative. You can't file a complaint about pauses and late invitations and chairs that stay empty."
Mariam was quiet for a long time. Then she said, "You could leave. Apply somewhere else."
"I could," Samir said. "But that would make it their choice, wouldn't it? Leaving. That's what the body does to a foreign cell, eventually. It pushes it out. It makes staying impossible. The cell doesn't choose to leave. The environment becomes unlivable." He looked at his wife. "I've been studying this process my entire career. I just never thought I would become the subject of the experiment."
He did not leave. Not that spring, not that summer. He stayed through May, taught his summer course, went to the Fourth of July picnic on the campus green where he stood with his plate of potato salad and watched the fireworks and smiled at the faces of people who had decided, without ever saying so, that he was not quite one of them. Layla played with the other children on the grass, and Samir watched her, and he thought about the granuloma, the slow wall, the way the body protects itself from what it cannot recognize. The body is not evil. The body is trying to survive. And the community is not evil, Samir thought, watching the fireworks burst green and gold above the chapel steeple. The community is trying to survive too. It simply doesn't know how to survive with him inside it.
In August, he received an email from the provost's office informing him that his laboratory space would be "reallocated" for the coming academic year. He would be moving to a smaller lab in the basement of the old science building. The email was signed "Warmest regards, Office of the Provost."
Samir read it three times. Then he closed his laptop and went upstairs and sat on the edge of his bed and looked out the window at the maple tree in the backyard, the one Layla had climbed when she was six and he had stood beneath with his arms outstretched, ready to catch her if she fell. He had caught her then. He was not sure he could catch her now, because what was falling on them was not a thing you could catch with your hands. It was a slow wall, a quiet consensus, a thousand small signals that added up to one word: go.
The maple tree was losing its leaves. Autumn was coming. The new semester would begin in three weeks, and Samir would go to his smaller lab in the basement, and he would teach his classes to fewer students, and he would smile at his colleagues and they would smile back, and the wall would grow a little thicker, a little higher, a little more permanent. And one day, he knew, he would wake up and discover that he had been walled off completely, sealed inside a granuloma of good intentions and reasonable explanations and very polite silence.
He could not fight it. That was the thing. You cannot fight a process. You can only watch it happen and hope that something, somewhere, recognizes you before the wall closes in completely.
The maple tree swayed in the August wind, and Samir Al-Hashimi watched it, and he thought about his father, who had brought their family from Lahore to Chicago in 1972, who had worked in a factory and then a warehouse and then a restaurant kitchen, who had believed with every cell of his body that this country was different, that here a man could belong simply by choosing to belong. His father had died in 1999, two years before the towers fell, and Samir was grateful for that. His father had died believing.
Based on the pending patent application document (202610351844.3), creationstamp.com has calculated the tensor feature encoding of this article:
OTMES-v2-UNKNOWN
- Art
- Causes
- Crafts
- Dance
- Drinks
- Film
- Fitness
- Food
- Παιχνίδια
- Gardening
- Health
- Κεντρική Σελίδα
- Literature
- Music
- Networking
- άλλο
- Party
- Religion
- Shopping
- Sports
- Theater
- Wellness