The Wistful Saga

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The fight was over a cardboard box, and that was the insult of it, because Edward Ashworth had once been a man who fought over principles, or at least over handcuffs. The bailiff had him by the collar at the bottom of the courthouse steps, and the rain had been at the cardboard for a long while, long enough to turn it soft, and when the bottom gave out, everything Margaret Holloway had owned that was made of paper went sliding down the wet steps like birds that had decided, in one vexed instant, not to fly. Edward got on his knees for it, and the bailiff took that for assault, and by the time the letters were gathered and the citation written, the notebook had found its way inside his coat, pressed flat against the sternum, and that was the only thing in the world that mattered.

The notebook was small, spiral-bound, the kind that sulks on a school-supply shelf, and its cover had been handled until the cardboard had the give of cloth. On the first page, in block letters that had struck through to emboss the sheet beneath, Margaret Holloway had written the wistful saga, twice underlined. Then the block letters stopped and the shorthand began, and the shorthand was the reason Edward Ashworth, forty-one years old, two months behind on his rent at Mrs. Duvall's rooming house, four years off the detective's shield that he had traded for his conscience, stood shuddering in a bus kiosk with the rain seaming his collar, reading her marks like a man who had forgotten how to breathe and was counting on them to remember for him.

He had been a skip tracer for the Fair Housing Office for three years, which sounded like a job and was, in fact, a sentence. The office was a storefront with a dead fern and a photocopier that ate paper the way a hungry dog ate whatever it found, and his superior, Director Elaine Pemberton, had once been the fiercest tenants' lawyer in the county before the grants got smaller and her nerve got quieter. It was Pemberton who handed him Margaret's file. The woman was fifty-eight, a cleaner at St. Augustine's Hospital, gone eight months. She had signed a lease in a building owned by Hollis Mayhew, a man whose name appeared in the office's files the way a bad penny keeps appearing in a drawer: no matter what you take out, there it is. Margaret had agreed to testify about the mold, the heat, the locked fire door. Then she had vanished, and the testimony had vanished with her, and the office needed her back before the case went before a judge who preferred his witnesses present.

Edward had done the things he knew how to do. He walked the block twice. He asked the neighbors, and the neighbors remembered a woman who kept her head down and her broom busy, who left the building at five in the morning and came back at seven at night, who never had visitors except a man on a bicycle and who, on Sundays, wrote. The man on the bicycle was a retired courier named Simon Pryce, eighty years old, with the knuckles of someone who had held envelopes for a living and the eyes of someone who had read them too. It was Simon who had rescued her effects when the basement was flooded and the landlord's men were throwing everything into a dumpster. It was Simon who kept the cardboard box for two years in his shed, because, he said, you could not let a person's words go into the rain.

He told Edward this in the shed, with the box between them. Simon had no reason to trust him and no reason not to, and he watched Edward with a courier's patience while the rain drummed the tin roof. He said Miss Holloway used to call the notebook her proof and her cell, and when he asked her which it was, she said a cell was a kind of proof that the law had been there. She believed someone would come along who could read it, Simon said. She believed being read would set her loose. Edward, who believed in very little, believed that a witness needed a trier of fact, and he took the box home on the bus with the notebook inside his coat again, because he had already decided that he would not report its existence until he knew what it contained.

The first night was only marks. Her shorthand was a private system, tiny and angular, the letters leaning as if they had somewhere to be and were sorry about it. She pressed hard, so that every page had a reverse embossing, a white braille for the blind fingers of fate. He deciphered in the margins, where she sometimes left a word in English like a loon calling across a lake, and the English words were always of a particular kind: clinic, line, rain, stairs. The second night the marks began to open, and the third night they opened all the way.

It happened the way these things do, which is to say without announcement. He was at the small table under the window in Mrs. Duvall's attic room, and the city outside was doing its usual business of drizzle and diesel, and then the city outside was no longer his city. The street was his street, the broken stairwell was his stairwell, but the light had gone the color of a waiting room, and the air had the flat, chemical sigh of a place where people sat with numbers in their hands and let the numbers be their sentence. He was in her city, the city she had walked at four in the morning with a lunch pail and a prayer for the bus to be on time, and he was not standing in it; he was sitting in it, in a plastic chair welded to a row of plastic chairs, and everyone around him was waiting to be told whether they were allowed to live. He saw the clinic. He saw the welfare counter with its glass, the glass so clean it seemed to be not a barrier but a promise. He saw her hand on the counter, her hand that wrote so hard, and the marks she had made were not marks at all but the very grain of the place, the grain of her hunger, the grain of his.

That was the first recognition, and it cost him the night. He sat until the fluorescent lights hummed themselves out and the dreamscape folded back into his room, and he understood that he had not been reading a record of her life. He had been reading an address, and the address was his own. Margaret Holloway had lived three buildings over from him, in a room like his room, under the same cracked ceiling and the same indifferent landlord's cousin, and she had documented the mold in the corner, the heat registered in degrees of desperation, the small sealed envelope of every month's rent that was, she wrote in the margin once, a letter you wrote to your own jailer. She had been writing the saga of everyone who had ever been poor in that city. He had simply been poor enough, and still enough, to read it.

For five days he transcribed. He did not use the office's copier, both because he was afraid of the paper feeder and because the copying, he told himself, was a form of witness, and a witness does not outsource. He filled three legal pads with her script converted into English, and the English was a language he knew intimately, the language of waiting and counting and subtracting. He was almost done when Simon Pryce called him, and the old courier's voice came down the line the way it must have come through ten thousand mail slots, folded and certain. There was something he had not said, Simon told him. Near the end, Miss Holloway had stopped writing in the notebook and had started writing on slips of paper that she pasted to bus shelters and underpass pillars, little white flags of script that she called her seals. She had told Simon that a seal was a word that closed something or opened something, and you never knew which until you pressed it. When Edward asked what the slips said, Simon said he had never been able to read them. They were small, he said. They looked like what a moth might write if a moth were sorrowful.

The second recognition came in Pemberton's office on a Tuesday, with the dead fern shedding its brown confetti onto the floor. Edward laid the transcription before her, and he told her with the flat, worn voice of a man who had once had to convince juries of things he did not believe, that Margaret Holloway had not wandered off and had not run away. She had left a paper trail that was not a trail but a rope, and the rope led to Hollis Mayhew, whose name appeared in the margin of her saga as the name of the climate itself, the weather of her life. He told her the notebook had to go to the judge. He told her it had to go to the county attorney. He told her there was a woman who had signed a lease and lost everything but her handwriting, and that handwriting, in his reading, was a testimony that would break Mayhew's back.

Pemberton listened the way a woman listens to a clock that has begun to strike the wrong hour. Then she told him, in the soft bureaucratic voice that had once been the voice of the poor's best hope, that the board had reached a settlement. Mayhew's lawyers had offered, the city had leaned, the grants had been promised to other fires, and the case was closing. The notebook, she said, was a private document, possibly the confabulation of a woman under stress, and it would be sealed as part of the agreement. She asked for it. Edward said he did not have it. He watched the lie land on the desk between them and take root, and that, too, was a kind of writing, a seal pressed into the soft wax of his own authority, and he felt the office close around him like a door he had been holding open for years and had just been told to let swing.

He was given a week to produce the notebook or lose his position, and the position was the only thing between him and the street. He counted his money that night, under the forty-watt bulb, making little stacks of the bills that were not even stacks, just the currency of the destitute, and he felt the poverty of his life the way a man feels a toothache that he has been walking around with so long he mistook it for his heartbeat. He could hand over the notebook and keep the job, and the job was survival, and the saga would go into a file and then into a dumpster, and Margaret's words would be what they had always been, a cell. Or he could finish the transcription, send it to a reporter he had known in his detective days, and let the word go out like a bird over water, and lose everything, and be what he had always secretly believed he was, a fool with a conscience. He loved the cause the way a drowning man loves the surface, which is to say beyond reason, which is to say with his whole dumb body, and he knew what he would do. He would send the copy. He would let the door swing. He would be free of the office and the paycheck and the shame, and if that freedom came with hunger, well, he had known hunger in the old days, and hunger was honest.

On the seventh night he finished the copy. It was past three in the morning, and the city had gone so quiet he could hear the rooming house breathing, the old furnace sighing in its sleep. He had stacked the transcribed pages neatly, and he had the reporter's address on a slip of paper, and the original notebook lay open on the table to its last page, where Margaret's handwriting had stopped mid-sentence, not out of exhaustion but, he could see now, out of a kind of ceremony. The last page was blank except for a small glyph pressed so hard into the paper that it had torn through, a tiny seal shaped like a door.

The dreamscape came on without warning, and this time it was fully her room, the room she had lived in, with its one window and its hissing radiator and the smell of bleach that had followed her home from the hospital. She was there, not as a body, not as a ghost, but as the collected weight of all the words he had read, a presence assembled from the script itself, the ink lifted off the pages and standing in the room like a woman waiting for a bus. She did not speak, because she did not need to. The knowledge arrived the way dawn arrives, gradually and then all at once, and he saw the rest of the saga, the part she had never written because it was the price of the writing. Mayhew had lent her the money for her sister's surgery, and the collateral had been her story. She had signed a contract that made her life his property, every word she had ever written and ever would write, and the notebook was the deed. As long as the saga was sealed, she was bound to it; if anyone read it, they could use it to find her; the only way she could be free was if the saga had never existed. She had vanished to break the lease of her own life. The marks on the bus shelters were not messages. They were the buttons of a coat she was trying to unbutton, and the coat was the contract, and the contract was her words, and the words were the only thing she had.

The third recognition came to Edward exactly as the ink had come to the pages, by pressure, by imprint, by the slow, grinding weight of a truth that has been waiting its whole life to be let through the door. He understood that he was not reading her story. He was the next page of it. To be free of poverty he must hand her over; to be free of the office he must publish her; to be free of his own unbending hunger for justice, the hunger that had cost him his shield and his salary and nearly his soul, he must do the one thing he had never done in his life. He must let go. And the price of that release was the story itself, unread, unwritten, returned to the silence it had come from. He saw the tragic arithmetic plain: her freedom and his own were in the hands of his surrender. The seals had been meant to close or to open, and he was the press that would make them decide.

He carried the notebook and the transcribed pages into the bathroom. He did not consider keeping the copy. A seal cut in two was not a seal, just a scar with no authority. He shoved the pages into the sink, and he struck the match, and he watched the saga take its first true shape as fire. The pages curled and blackened and the ink did a strange thing, lifting off the paper in silver threads, rising once, and then, as if directed by a patient hand, the threads wrote themselves across his open palms, a single line of her small angular script, burning in and cooling, leaving a mark like a narrow white scar laid across either hand. The room was silent. The radiator had stopped. He stood looking at his hands, at the seal that had been pressed into his own flesh, and he felt the dreamscape depart like a bus pulling away from a stop, and he stood at the stop, holding his hands out into the rainless air of a freedom he had purchased with everything he had ever witnessed.

The settlement was signed on a Thursday. Edward handed Pemberton an empty manila envelope, which was its own kind of testimony, a blankness that the institution would read as compliance, and the institution was happy, and the landlord was happy, and the city was happy, the way the machinery is happy when the jam is unjammed and the work proceeds. He kept the job. He paid his arrears. He bought a coat with a liner in it and a pair of shoes that did not admit the weather. He was promoted, if a bigger desk and a smaller caseload can be called a promotion, and Mrs. Duvall began to nod at him with what passed, among the saved, for respect.

But he walked. On his lunch hours, and in the evenings, he walked the routes of Margaret's saga, past the clinic and the welfare counter and the bus shelters, and whenever he passed a white slip still pasted to a pillar, he pressed his palm against it, as if he could re-read it by texture, as if the scar tissue on his hand had learned the script. The slips were all blank now. The rain had taken the words off them over the years, or something had, leaving little white ghosts of paper with nothing on them but the memory of pressure. He did not know where Margaret was, and he understood, in the way that a man understands the arithmetic of his own captivity, that he would never know, because her whereabouts were now the property of no one and her story belonged to no reader. It belonged to him, sealed inside the only place that no institution could subpoena, a cell so deep in him that even he could no longer read it.

On a gray afternoon in late autumn, he stood at the foot of the courthouse steps where the box had broken open and the letters had gone down into the gutter like birds refusing the sky. He pressed his open palms flat against the wet brick of the courthouse wall, and he felt the scar tissue pulse once, faintly, with a pressure that was neither cold nor warm, neither pain nor comfort, but the last exertion of the pressed word, the imprint of a saga that had transformed from paper to flame to flesh and would not be released again as long as he drew breath. He was free. The rent was paid, the job was safe, the hunger was a memory that grew less specific every day. He was free, and the freedom was a white line across each palm, a door that had been sealed never to open, and he stood there for a long time with his hands against the stone, giving thanks for a liberty that felt, in the only language he still trusted, exactly like the shape of a key that had been swallowed, a key that would never fit any lock again and would never let him forget that he had been the one to close it.

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