Nothing Personal

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The first thing Amina Khalid noticed, the first thing anyone would have noticed, was how reasonable it all sounded. That was the trick of it. That was the mechanism.

She was thirty-seven years old in the spring of 2005, an associate professor of political theory at Oakwood College, a small liberal arts school tucked into the cornfields of southern Illinois, and she had spent eleven years building a life that made sense. Her husband Rehan worked for the Chicago Tribune as a metro reporter, driving up to the city four days a week and filing from home on Fridays. Their daughter Layla was nine, a fourth-grader at Oakwood Elementary who played clarinet in the school band and had recently discovered the wonders of a new website called Facebook that all her friends' older siblings were using. They lived in a white clapboard house on Elm Street with a screened-in porch and a vegetable garden that Rehan tended with a devotion Amina found both touching and slightly mystifying. She was Pakistani-American. He was Pakistani-American. Layla was American, full stop, born in Chicago, and she had no memory of any other country. They were, by every measure Amina could think of, exactly the kind of people a small Midwestern college town wanted as neighbors. Educated. Employed. Quiet. Law-abiding. Friendly in that reserved way that signaled respect for other people's privacy.

The war in Iraq was on the television every night. Amina watched the green-tinted footage of Baghdad with the same queasy fascination as everyone else in the faculty lounge. She had colleagues who opposed the war and colleagues who supported it, and the arguments were passionate but civil, the way arguments at small liberal arts colleges are supposed to be. She taught a seminar on constitutional law and another on comparative democratic theory. Her student evaluations were strong. Her last book had been well reviewed in the Journal of Democracy. She was, she believed, safe. She was wrong, but wrong in a way that no single person and no single incident ever proved, which was the genius of the thing.

It began with a compliment.

Dr. Khalid, we so value your perspective on the diversity committee.

This was Linda Hartwell, the dean of faculty, a woman with short gray hair and rimless glasses and a manner so earnestly kind that Amina sometimes felt herself becoming more generous just by standing near her. Linda had stopped Amina in the hallway outside the faculty meeting room on a Tuesday afternoon in March. The diversity committee needed fresh voices, Linda explained, and Amina's background would bring such a valuable dimension to the discussions. The word background hung in the air between them, a word that could mean anything and everything, a word that felt like a compliment until you turned it over and examined its underside. Amina said yes. Of course she said yes. She was a good colleague.

On the diversity committee, she discovered that her primary function was to be discussed. The committee spent three meetings debating whether the college should host an interfaith prayer space, and Amina found herself fielding questions about prayer rugs and foot-washing stations and whether the space should face east. She was not particularly religious. She had not been to a mosque in years. But she was the nearest available expert, and the questions kept coming, each one wrapped in such genuine, wide-eyed curiosity that refusing to answer would have felt like an act of hostility. She answered. She always answered. She was a good colleague.

That same month, Rehan came home from the Tribune looking tired in a way that had become familiar since 2001. His editor had pulled him aside after the morning meeting. Reader feedback, the editor said. Some subscribers had written in to express concern about the objectivity of a reporter with Rehan's name and his family background covering stories about national security. The editor was apologetic. He was more than apologetic, he was mortified, he was practically weeping with liberal guilt. But the letters kept coming, and the subscription department kept forwarding them, and eventually the editor asked Rehan if he would mind switching to the education beat for a while, just for a while, just until things settled down, and Rehan said yes because he was a good colleague too, and because he had a mortgage and a daughter who needed braces and because what else was he supposed to say.

April brought the airport incident. They were flying to Boston for a conference, and Rehan's name triggered something in the new computerized screening system that the Transportation Security Administration had rolled out the previous year. They were pulled aside at the gate. Their bags were searched. Rehan was questioned for forty-five minutes by two agents who were perfectly polite, who apologized repeatedly for the inconvenience, who explained that these measures were for everyone's safety and that random selection was random selection and that they understood how frustrating this must be. Amina stood with Layla near the Cinnabon and watched her husband answer question after question about countries he had never visited and organizations he had never heard of. When it was over, the agents thanked him for his patience. Thanked him. As if he had done them a favor. As if this had been a minor bureaucratic transaction rather than a ritual of humiliation conducted in full view of a hundred strangers who were now looking at Rehan Khalid differently, who would remember his face and his name and the way he had been pulled out of line and the way he had answered questions for forty-five minutes while his daughter ate a cinnamon roll and tried not to cry.

Layla did not cry. She was nine and she was learning, Amina realized with a cold twist in her stomach, she was learning how to endure. This was the thing that kept Amina awake at night, more than the Patriot Act and the war footage and the sideways glances in the faculty dining hall. Her daughter was learning that some kinds of citizenship are provisional, that you could be born here and still be asked to prove it, that the word background could become a door that closed so softly you didn't hear the latch click until you were already on the wrong side.

The summer of 2005 brought the housing situation. Amina and Rehan had been talking for years about buying a larger house, something with a proper study for Amina and a guest room for Rehan's mother when she visited from Lahore. They found a place on Maple Avenue, a beautiful four-bedroom craftsman with stained-glass windows and a wraparound porch. Their offer was accepted. The inspection went smoothly. And then, three days before closing, the seller's agent called to say that the sellers had decided to accept another offer. The agent was apologetic. Deeply, sincerely apologetic. It was nothing personal, she assured them. The sellers had simply felt more comfortable with the other buyers. The word comfortable sat in Amina's chest like a stone. She said she understood. She was a good colleague. She was always a good colleague.

In August, Rehan was laid off from the Tribune. The paper was restructuring, the editor explained. The education beat was being folded into metro. It was a budget decision, purely financial, nothing to do with performance. Rehan's severance package was generous. His colleagues took him out for drinks and told him how much they would miss him and how unfair it all was. He came home that night and sat on the porch and stared at his vegetable garden for a long time without speaking. The tomatoes were coming in beautifully that year. He had planted heirloom varieties, Brandywine and Cherokee Purple, and they were heavy on the vine, fat and red and bursting with life.

The job search lasted six months. Rehan applied to every newspaper and magazine within a three-state radius. He had a strong portfolio, years of experience, multiple journalism awards. The rejections were always polite, always professional, always explained in terms of fit and timing and current needs. He started writing freelance pieces for smaller publications, using his middle name instead of his first, and something about this small act of strategic erasure made Amina feel sicker than any of the larger indignities. This was defeat, she thought. Not the dramatic kind, not the kind you could see coming and fight against, but the slow, patient, reasonable kind that crept into your life one accommodation at a time until you looked in the mirror and could not remember who you used to be.

The tenure review happened in the fall. Amina's file was strong. Her publications were solid. Her teaching evaluations were excellent. But the review committee had concerns, the dean explained. Concerns about balance in her teaching. Some students had reported feeling uncomfortable with the way she discussed certain topics in her constitutional law seminar. The word uncomfortable again. The dean was careful not to specify which topics or which students or which moments, because that would have made the accusation concrete enough to defend against. Instead it hovered, amorphous and insinuating, a cloud of reasonable doubt that no amount of evidence could disperse. The committee voted to postpone her tenure decision by one year, pending further review and faculty observation. Postpone, not deny. A delay, not a rejection. She could appeal, of course. She could file a grievance. But appeals and grievances took time and energy and social capital, and by now she understood that social capital was the one currency she did not possess in sufficient quantity.

Rehan went to visit his mother in Lahore that November, partially to save money on the trip they had been promising her for years, partially because he needed to get away from the clapboard house and the vegetable garden and the silence that had grown between him and Amina like a third presence in their marriage. On the morning of November seventeenth, Amina received a phone call from a consular officer at the U.S. embassy in Islamabad. There had been a car accident on the road between Lahore and the airport. Rehan had been driving. A truck had crossed the median. There were no details yet, the officer said, and he was sorry, he was very sorry, and he would call again as soon as there was more information. Amina thanked him. She hung up the phone. She sat at the kitchen table and looked at the frost on the windows and the bare stalks of Rehan's garden and the empty chair where he should have been sitting, and she understood, with a clarity that felt almost like relief, that the mechanism had completed its work. Her husband was dead. He had died on a road in Pakistan, thousands of miles from the country where he was born but not quite, the officer had implied, the country that truly belonged to him. And there was no one to blame. The truck driver had crossed the median. Accidents happened. It was nothing personal.

The obituary in the Tribune was generous. The obituary in the Oakwood Gazette was kind. The faculty sent flowers and cards and casseroles. Linda Hartwell stopped by with a bundt cake and tears in her eyes and said all the right things about community and support and healing. Amina thanked her. Amina thanked everyone. She was, after all, a good colleague. She had always been a good colleague. And in the months that followed, she began to write.

The book was not what anyone expected. It was not an indictment. It was not a polemic. It was a careful, methodical, devastatingly polite anatomy of social quarantine, a study of how communities expel their outsiders without ever raising their voices, without ever using slurs, without ever admitting what they are doing. She called it "The Reasonable Exclusion: Mechanisms of Polite Expulsion in Post-9/11 America," and she drew on her own experience only obliquely, disguising it as ethnographic observation, as political theory, as the dispassionate analysis of a scholar who had merely noticed a pattern. The book was published by a university press in 2007. It received respectful reviews. It was adopted in sociology and political science courses across the country. It was cited in congressional testimony about the Patriot Act. It outlived the administration that had passed the Patriot Act and the war that had justified the administration and the fear that had justified the war.

Layla grew up. She stopped playing the clarinet and started playing lacrosse. She went to college on the East Coast and majored in journalism and never once used her middle name to apply for a job. When people asked her about her family, she said her mother was a professor and her father had been a reporter, and she said it in a way that made clear she expected no further questions. She had learned from her mother how to be a good colleague without being a good victim, and this distinction, Amina came to believe, was the most valuable thing she had ever taught anyone.

The white clapboard house on Elm Street was sold in 2010 to a young couple from St. Louis who did not notice the vegetable garden, or did not care about it, and who paved over it to make room for a basketball court. Amina moved to Cambridge, where she held a named chair at Harvard and lived in a small apartment near the Charles River and never once attended a diversity committee meeting again. She died in 2041, at the age of seventy-three, of a stroke that took her quickly and without pain. Her obituary in the New York Times mentioned the book. It mentioned Rehan. It mentioned Layla. It did not mention the word background or the word comfortable or the word concern, because obituaries are written by the survivors, and the survivors edit.

But the book remained. It sat on library shelves and in course syllabi and in the footnotes of other books about other kinds of exclusion, and every year a few hundred students read it and underlined passages and wrote papers about it, and some of them, the ones who knew what it felt like to be a guest in your own country, recognized the mechanism she had described and felt, for a moment, less alone. This was the legacy. It was not triumphant. It was not redemptive. It was simply true, and the truth, as Amina had learned from Rehan and from the garden he never got to plant again and from the daughter who never stopped being American, was the only thing the mechanism could not digest. It sat in the stomach of the beast like a stone. It was nothing personal. And that, she had written in the final chapter, was exactly the point.


Based on the pending patent application document (202610351844.3), creationstamp.com has calculated the tensor feature encoding of this article:

OTMES-v2-UNKNOWN

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