The Unbelonging
The first thing the other mill girls noticed was that Evelyn Hart no longer flinched when the loom's shuttle snapped. For three years, every woman on the floor had known Evelyn's small gasp, her hand rising instinctively to her chest, the way she would close her eyes for half a second and murmur something that might have been a prayer. It was endearing, in the way that a nervous horse was endearing. It reminded everyone that they were all afraid of the same things. On the Monday after her first appointment at the Institute, a shuttle cracked against the frame three looms down from Evelyn's station. The sound was sharp as a pistol shot. Every woman on the floor jumped. Every woman except Evelyn. She kept her hands on the fabric, her eyes steady, her breathing even. She did not look up. She did not startle. She did nothing. Mary Driscoll, who worked the loom beside Evelyn's, was the first to mention it at lunch. She did not mean anything by it. She was simply making conversation. Did you see Evelyn when the shuttle went? Like a statue. Not a twitch. I wish I could be that calm. The other women murmured agreement around their bread and cheese. They did not know, then, that they had already begun.
The second thing they noticed was the silence where laughter should have been. Martha Poole, who had worked beside Evelyn for four years and whose daughter Beatrice had been born in the same week as Evelyn's Thomas, told a joke about the foreman's moustache. It was a good joke. It was the kind of joke that normally made Evelyn throw her head back and laugh with her whole body, the kind of laugh that pulled other people into it whether they wanted to laugh or not. Martha told the joke. The other women laughed. Evelyn smiled. The smile was correct. The smile was positioned at the right angle, held for the right duration, released at the right moment. But it did not reach her eyes. It did not crinkle the skin around her mouth. It was a photograph of a smile, not a smile. Martha noticed. She did not say anything. But she noticed.
The third thing happened in the washroom. Annie Cleary, the youngest girl on the floor, sixteen years old and still given to crying in the afternoon when her feet hurt too much to stand, was weeping silently against the basin. Her hands were red and raw from the dye vats. Her shoulders shook. Evelyn walked in to wash her hands. She saw Annie crying. She looked at Annie the way a person looks at a crack in a wall. She registered it. She classified it. She walked past it. She washed her hands. She dried them on her apron. She walked out. The door swung shut behind her. Annie stopped crying, not because she felt better, but because something about the silence Evelyn had left behind was worse than being alone. She told the other girls that night. She did not say that Evelyn had been cruel. She said that Evelyn had not been there. She said it was like the body was there but the person inside had gone somewhere else and locked the door. The other girls nodded. They understood, or thought they did. They began to edge away from Evelyn's station. A few inches at first. Nothing anyone would notice. Nothing anyone could call deliberate.
The foreman, Mr. Garrick, called Evelyn into his office at the end of the third week. He was a kind man, in his way. He had three daughters of his own. He kept a photograph of them on his desk, their faces blurring in the steam from the factory pipes. Mrs. Hart, he said, and then he stopped, because he did not know how to continue. He had rehearsed this conversation in his head six times that morning, and each time it had sounded reasonable, and each time he had believed himself. The other women, he said. They have expressed some concerns. Not about your work. Your work is excellent. The best on the floor, if I am honest. But they say. He stopped again. They say you make them feel uncomfortable, he said. I know that sounds strange. I know it is not something you are doing on purpose. But they say that when they are near you they feel a kind of coldness. They say it is difficult to concentrate. They say they do not feel safe. He spread his hands on the desk. His fingers were thick and calloused and honest. I am reducing your hours, he said. Just for now. Just until things settle. I will make sure you still receive enough to cover your son's treatment. Evelyn looked at him. Her face was smooth and untroubled. She said, I understand, Mr. Garrick. She said it in a voice that was perfectly pleasant and perfectly empty. She stood and walked out and closed the door behind her without a sound. Mr. Garrick sat at his desk for a long time after that, looking at the photograph of his daughters and trying to understand why his chest felt heavy.
The hospital was next. Evelyn had been visiting Thomas every Tuesday and Thursday since his admission to St. Bartholomew's. She would sit beside his bed and hold his hand and tell him stories about the mill, about the birds that nested in the rafters, about the cat that lived in the alley behind their flat. Thomas would listen with his wide dark eyes and laugh his bell-like laugh, and the nurses would pause outside the door and smile at each other because that sound was the best sound in the entire ward. But after the second transmission, something changed. Evelyn still came on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She still sat beside the bed. She still held Thomas's hand. But she did not tell stories. She sat in silence, her hand in his, her eyes on the window. Thomas would ask her a question and she would answer in words that were technically correct but somehow hollow, as if she were reading from a script she had memorized but no longer understood. The nurses noticed. Sister Margaret, the head nurse, noticed most of all. She had been a nurse for thirty years. She had seen mothers scream and mothers weep and mothers sit in stunned silence. She had never seen a mother look at her dying child the way Evelyn Hart looked at Thomas, which was to say she looked at him the way she might look at a stranger's child on a tram, with mild curiosity and no connection at all. Sister Margaret called Dr. Moriarty. She did not call because she was cruel. She called because she was afraid. She said, There is something wrong with Mrs. Hart, and I do not know what it is, but I do not think she should be allowed to visit her son until we understand it. She said this in the voice of someone who believed she was protecting a child. And in her own frame, in her own understanding of the world, she was.
After that, the unbelonging was complete. Evelyn's hours were cut again. The women at the mill no longer looked at her when she passed. Martha Poole requested a transfer to a different floor, not because she hated Evelyn, but because standing beside her every day was like standing beside a door that had been painted to look open but was in fact sealed shut. It made her bones ache. It made her dream of her daughter's laugh and wake up crying. The flat that Evelyn and Thomas had shared was taken over by a new family, a young couple with a baby, and Evelyn's things were packed into a single trunk and left with the landlady, who did not know where Evelyn had gone and did not feel comfortable asking. Evelyn moved through the city like a ghost, present but not belonging, visible but not seen. She sat on the bench in Whitechapel Park every evening, looking at nothing, her hands folded in her lap, her face untroubled. Children played nearby. Mothers called their names. The sun went down and came up again. And Evelyn Hart, who had once loved a child so fiercely that she had given away pieces of herself to save him, sat there with the photograph in her pocket, the photograph of a woman and a boy, and she looked at it sometimes with the same mild curiosity she gave to everything now, and she did not recognize herself, and she did not understand why the boy was laughing, and she felt nothing at all. The community had done its work. It had identified the foreign body. It had expelled it. And everyone who had participated, from Mary Driscoll to Mr. Garrick to Sister Margaret, slept well at night, believing they had done the right thing, believing they had acted reasonably, believing that the coldness they had felt in Evelyn's presence was a warning sign they were right to heed. None of them knew what they had done. None of them ever would. And Evelyn sat on her bench as the light faded, and she was nothing at all, and somewhere in the city a child was laughing, and she turned her head toward the sound because some deep instinct still remembered that laughter meant something, that it was supposed to matter, that there was once a reason to stand up and walk toward it. But the instinct was too faint. It was a thread that had been pulled too many times, and now it was only a memory of a thread, a ghost of a connection, and it dissolved in the evening air like breath on a cold morning, and Evelyn sat still, and the laughter faded, and the night came down, and she was nothing.
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OTMES-v2-UNKNOWN
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