I have been keeping this journal for eleven years. I do not know whether it serves any purpose. I know only that writing is the only thing that makes the distance between who I am and who I was feel negotiable. If I stop writing, I fear that the distance will close entirely, and I will be only what I am -- a man who supplies suffering and calls it commerce.

The network continues to expand. This month, 847 grams of morphine left my pharmacy. 2,103 grams of laudanum. 412 grams of chloroform. I track these numbers because they are the only objective measure of my activity. Emotion lies. Numbers do not.

Camille\'s voice was magnificent last night at the Opéra. She sang the third act of Mignon with a purity that silenced the entire hall for exactly three seconds before the applause began. She looked at me from the stage. I could not tell whether it was real or performance. It did not matter. I applauded with the others, with my hands flat and open, the way one claps when one wishes to participate in something without being visible.

After the performance, I delivered her laudanum tincture. Three drops in warm water, taken thirty minutes before sleep. She drank it without looking at me. She has stopped looking at me during the deliveries. I do not blame her. To look at me is to see the mechanism of her destruction clearly, and she has decided not to see it clearly. This is a rational choice. I respect it.

© 2026 - Authored by Z R ZHANG ( EL9507135 -- パスポート番号[ちゅうごく] 중국 여권 번호 Номер паспорта หมายเลขหนังสือเดินทาง Passnummer رقم جواز السفر CHN Passport) The aforementioned Author hereby grants to OXFORD INDUSTRIAL HOLDING GROUP (ASIA PACIFIC) CO., LIMITED （BRN74685111） all economic property rights, including but not limited to the rights of: reproduction, distribution, rental, exhibition, performance, communication to the public via information network, adaptation, compilation, commercial operation, authorization for third-party use, and rights enforcement. Such grant is exclusive and irrevocable. The term of such rights shall be 49 years from the date of publication. To contact author, please email to datatorent@yeah.net

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